I lived and I die with no regrets.
“Those were the last words I remembered before completely blacking out and waking up in the hospital three days later. It was a sad realization that I had failed at everything in life. I couldn’t even successfully kill myself.
As I opened my eyes, the room around me was all a blur and I could see three figures standing around me. They were without a doubt my father, sister and the third the doctor who I could hear telling them how much of a risk I am to myself. A fact that I believe goes without saying given the circumstances.
But I am sure that there are perfectly sane people out there who have attempted suicide or have at least played around with the thought. I just thought that I would give it a try but I must admit that I had not planned what I would have done had I succeeded. I figured that I would just go with the flow and see what happened when I got there,” I explained yet again.
“Are you saying that there is no reason for you trying to kill yourself?” Dr. Henry asked with a puzzled look as I stared at her blankly. I could see the confusion on her face but she was always the professional.
I must say that I was pleasantly surprised by how intelligent she was because she looked like the dumb type. She was almost six feet tall without heels and could easily have been a supermodel if she wanted to. Her skin was like a flawless dark chocolate that made her brown eyes sparkle like diamonds. Her hair was curly, just brushing her shoulder.
Her white coat did very little to hide her thick hourglass figure which she tried to cover with yet another monotonous grey pantsuit. Between her horrible fashion and makeup, or lack thereof, it was as if she was trying to make herself unattractive.
She was in her early forties but my tales of blatant disregard for life seems to have aged her a bit more. I could tell that she found me to be a bit on the crazy side, being admitted to the crazy house and all.
AmaRae, if you are ever to recover you need to take this seriously. We have been at it for three days now and you keep repeating the same things over and over,” she said sitting up a bit straighter with a bit frustration in her voice.
“Dr. Henry, that’s because you keep on asking the same questions. You know, they say if you keep doing the same thing or in your case, asking the same question, expecting a different answer that is a sign of insanity,” I clearly stated as I sat up in the couch trying to keep a serious face.
After a period of silence, I got up and went to the window where a steady breeze was flowing. And honestly there were a lot of things on mind and talking about them just maybe what I needed but I needed control.
Dr. Henry just observed me from her seat not making a sound.
I made my way back over to the couch, making myself comfortable before she started talking again. “Alright, AmaRae let’s start over, from the beginning. Tell me about your childhood.”
“First thing first you call me Ama and second it’s a long story you know,” I said ease myself into the love seat.
But she just looked back at me with an amused and said, “Trust me, Ama we have time. You can start where ever you feel comfortable.
I laid back and closed my eyes as I thought of how best to start my story. It was the first time that I ever dared to put my life into words. So, I started it the best way I could.
“Have you ever had a day you wished you could live all over again?”